Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
