Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
