My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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