How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
