before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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