one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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