I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
