So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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