I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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