Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
