I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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