Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
