I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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