I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
