If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
