i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
