im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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