i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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