I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This baby is an asshole
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
