i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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