I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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