I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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