careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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