Your face is a jimmy john
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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