i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
