I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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