last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
