Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
