I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
