Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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