To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
