I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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