Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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