He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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