Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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