the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
