my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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