Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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