between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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