I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
