Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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