Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
