like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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