Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
