I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
