My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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