I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
