Farmville is her only friend.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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