I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
