Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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