I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
