her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
